If I Only Knew…

Tuesday, February 27th, 2018

Sometimes divorce is your best option.  But do you really know what is ahead?  Here are a few of the realities that people just do not realize are part of the process, until they are deep into it.

Court Can Be A Cesspool of Contempt For You & Your Children:

It is not the judge, and it is not the attorneys.  It is what happens to you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse.  In criminal court, those on trial strive to look their very best.  In family court, the opposite happens.  While you may be trying to make your case about how bad your partner is, the judge is looking at you and wondering what is motivating you to make all the accusations.  Then it all reverses, and you get attacked as a response.

When people go through the actual court process, they end up feeling damaged.  There is no place to win in there.  You put your life in the hands of a stranger, and you depend on your attorney to be better at debate than the opposing counsel.

Family Is Always Family Even In Divorce:

In our e*book, FACCT, we note that the first letter, “F,” is for Family Re-Formation.  If there are children, you are still the parents.  That will never change.  Even if there are no children, there is still the extended family and relationships.  When one or both sides go for court, those friends and children turn away.  While you thought you might find support and love, when you go to find those friends, you only find emptiness.  People and children do not want to be in a toxic environment.  Sadly parents do not realize this lesson until it is too late.

A couple was arguing over child visitation arrangements.  The mother told these young children how “bad” their dad was and that he did not care for them.  Over time, the children turned from their dad and did not want to see him.

Years later, as these children grew into adults, they started contacting their dad.  They learned that all the things they were told as little children were not true.  In their adult lives, they spent far less time with their mother than with their father.  That choice was based on the toxic world she had created for them and insisted on perpetuating into their adult lives.

Parents need to be very careful about what they do with their children in divorce.  It can come back to hurt them later in life.

Awareness Becomes Crucial:

What you thought was important takes on less meaning.  Things fall away, and suddenly the realities of a basic life take hold.  Everything that seemed significant turns out to be unimportant.  Suddenly those possessions you are fighting about will take on less and less meaning.  When a judge gets into the act, the garage-sale value of everything comes into focus.  Life and what’s important changes radically.

Knowing When It Is Over:

Sometimes you just have to move on.  But how do you know?  By looking at research, we find five key tests that indicate the marriage is probably over.

  1. What is the level of fondness and admiration for your partner?
  2. Are you operating as “Me” or as “We”?
  3. Do you maintain a healthy (not suspicious) awareness of your partner’s world?
  4. Do you look at struggles as something to be overcome together or as an obstacle in your way?
  5. When you think of the relationship today, how do you remember the good times you went through? Or do you remember the past as one disappointment after another?

When these five elements combine, and negativity becomes the abundant sentiment.  It grows to the point that the scales are tipped away from connection.  When they tip so far that the possibility of connection feels lost, it is probably time to move on.

For more, download the e*book, F-A-C-C-T.  Learn what every couple should know about the realities of divorce before you start down that path.

Armand & Robbin D’Alo